FUCK YOU, UMBC.

YOU TOOK DEAN'S LIST AWAY FROM ME.
Calculus=A
Psych=A
Chem lab=B
Chem=B
GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY.

Fuck it, at least I got semester honors.
Still, now my GPA is a 3.69, and I'm not exactly happy about that.

Monster.

No one believes me when I say to stay away from me in the wee hours of the morning.

Now they know.

All I want is to be happy.

I think I've achieved just plain 'happiness'. But what I really want is undying, unconditional, complete happiness. I find myself increasingly lonely as I slip away from certain people. I wish everyone knew how sorry I was for not calling, not texting, not paying attention...I've needed a lot of "me" time. Now with finals, it's even harder for me to say hello every so often. I'm truly not trying to be a jerk; I think about many of you every so often during the day. Some more than others...but nevertheless, I think about everyone, and I hope at least someone thinks about me.

I'm more than happy that the school year is over for me on Wednesday and that I'll be skateboarding and drinking next Thursday in Ocean City. My motivation is gone. I should be studying...SHOULD...but am not.

And now I have another distraction in my mind that I can't seem to shake. I wish I knew what to do and why I did stupid things, but alas, I'm not so fortunate.

Stop living in a dream world, Liz. It wouldn't happen, anyways.

Why?

I met you a little over a year ago. We exchanged numbers. Talked incessantly. Grew closer and closer. I had you within my grasp. You gave me hope. You made me feel like someone for once; like maybe, just maybe I could be happy.

And then you broke me.

I still think about you. I still wish it would have worked and I still want to see you. As much as you've hurt me, if you came back into my life, I'd never deny you. You don't deserve it but I'm a sap for love and I could never imagine pushing you away. I loved you dearly and I wanted to make you happy; more than happy, really. I just wanted to show you how love worked. What it really meant to LOVE someone.

It's 4:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I long for love and I long for companionship but I just can't seem to find it. I'm too picky. I'm too "cute." I'm too much of a romantic. Shut the hell up. I'm not changing; I'm sorry I have a heart. Maybe that's why you cut me off. You couldn't imagine being with someone with a heart; someone who could honestly do something for you. I hate you for ruining a lot of things for me. I can't stop thinking about you and haven't ever stopped thinking about you. Please...just get out of my head. I just want you to feel the anguish that I went through after chasing you for a year of my fucking life. I wasted so much time and energy on you-and for what? Absolutely nothing. Fuck you for making me look like a fool. Fuck you. Fuck off and die you piece of trash. You're not worth the time of day.

I love you.