I realize that...

I've been stressing so much over school that it's destroying me. I literally packed up and left the apartment and fled home in anguish. Yeah, rather than stick around and deal with the chaos, I simply ran away. I pussied out, so sad, right? I even let it start to ruin the perfectly good relationship I'm in. Amanda is all I could ever ask for and more; why I'd walk away from that, I'll never know. I do know that it's time for me to step up to the plate and deal with shit. No, I'm not ready for another stressful year at UMBC, but there's no stopping it; my life will continue to propel forward whether I want it to or not. I gotta suck it up and stop bitching. I can't let a little (or a lot, for that matter) stress wreck my stability. Amanda is quite frankly one of the first truly stable, normal relationships I've had in my life. She's become someone who I can lean on while knowing that she won't let me fall. But my overanalyzing mind made me think I wanted to leave her. I figured if I can't deal with school, there's no way I can manage to keep her happy as well.

I can't walk away now, though. I've done this too many times...I fear commitment. I'm afraid of it almost as much as I'm afraid of organic chemistry. I'm deathly afraid of abandonment. But why should I throw away the best relationship I've ever had just because of a little fear? I shouldn't, and I'm so glad I figured that out before I made the mistake of saying goodbye. Who knows how long this is going to last? I sure as fuck don't. But for now, I'm just going to enjoy the companionship I have.

I had too much coffee today.

What is going on?

Well, first and foremost, I have a girlfriend, and she's one amazing human being. I couldn't be happier with anyone else, and I'm lucky. Very lucky.

Though we had some differences last night (mainly caused by alcohol, mind you), I still can't be angry at her. Sure, I was pissed when things happened, but I was drunk. She was drunk. Things were being said and actions were being committed that wouldn't happen under normal circumstances and I forgive her for that, as I believe she's forgiven me.

I feel like this girl is worth fighting for.

The apartment is still lovely, though there's a few ants in the bathroom...might want to watch that. Our kitten, Xerxes, is getting much bigger, but he's still an obnoxious little runt. I love him but...there's a little hate in there, too.

No more vodka for me. Too many drunken nights in the last week. Four out of seven days...ridiculous.