Sitting in The Commons.

Eating a PB&J and some baked lays chips. Sipping on water. I'm so terribly groggy and tired today. Now I don't even feel like blogging. Now I'm just typing words for the sake of typing words. The gym was awful this morning...I couldn't get myself moving. Mile and a half in and I just crashed. Usually I can keep trucking for awhile, but not this morning. It's like some sort of switch in my mind didn't flick on when I woke up. I dunno. It feels like it's going to be a great day, just a slow one. I'm looking forward to this evening...new Left 4 Dead campaigns! Good times, good times. Lots of zombie action tonight. Should prove interesting.

I have an unhealthy obsession with killing things. The thought of it is exhilarating. Luckily, video games let me experience this without the repercussions. Can't exactly go around shooting people in real life...that would quickly ruin my college career, haha. But killing virtual zombies was never a crime.

Fuck. So tired. I can hardly keep myself awake right now. Sucks, man. Sucks.

New underwear should be in the mail very soon. I'm excited.

I need a beer.

I need:

• sex
• beer
• A's in my classes
• more money
• August to get here faster
• cramps to go away
• my friends
  

Excitement.

The end of the year approaches. The end of the week approaches.

If only the school year ended this weekend...then I'd really be happy. Most people need more time to bring their grades up. I need less time to ensure that I don't screw up my possible A's. I'm angry that I may possibly be making straight Bs this semester but I can't blame anyone for that except myself. I slacked a little and messed some things up. But, it's still not over. I have a calc exam, a psych exam, a chem exam, and three finals that could either make or break me. A's on the finals would guarantee me A's in the classes. However, just a B, which many people would consider absolutely fine, could easily take me from 90 to 89. That cannot happen. CANNOT.

I wish I wasn't so obsessive compulsive over my grades. Breathe, Liz, breathe.

I hope I don't do anything inappropriate this weekend. Ah. Fuck, who am I kidding?





I know I will.
=)

Ramble ramble RAMBLE!

I went to calculus this morning hoping I'd learn something.

I hoped too much. I sat there and wrote in my personal journal for 45 minutes. I wrote a much needed vent, however. So it wasn't a complete waste of time. I really wish I could put my journal entries online...but I, unfortunately, cannot. What they contain is vulgar, violent, angry, degrading, unrestrained rambles. I have a strong feeling you wouldn't be seeing too much of me if they were to be found. Yes.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. Maddie said I could tag along with her and her group of friends again. That's a swell group of people there. Then on Saturday we're off to see the apartment and possibly sign the lease. An apartment...it just blows my mind to think about it.

Less blogging, more reading psychology, Liz!

I'm Down and Out.

Complete utter dissatisfaction with life. That's all I feel.

What the hell am I doing right now? I'm in college. And for what? A paycheck? Great. I've come to realize that I don't think it's money that's ever going to make me happy, which is a big realization for me to make. I'm a huge splurger when it comes to spending. But perhaps my mother was always right....money doesn't bring happiness.

The only reason I'm in school right now is to:
1. Guarantee myself a big paycheck in the future
2. Appease my parents
and 3. Put off being an adult

It's weird though. Lately...I've wanted to be an adult more than anything. I want to move out, get a job, live life. I know that everyone is telling me to stay in school because if I quit, I'll never go back, but that's something I'll need to learn on my own. I feel like I'm stuck in this fucking cage that I'm just dying to break free from. I want to get out of the house. Not live in a dorm. Not have classes. I just wanna work a job from 8 till 4. Be able to sustain my life by myself. I'm sick of UMBC. It's become more of a prison than anything. Every time I'm on this campus I grow increasingly depressed and irritable. I snap at people for no reason; it's a miracle that I still have friends. Maybe they just already know how I am and aren't surprised.

I'm constantly lonely but I'm always pushing people away. I want chaos but I want silence. I want to get fit but I want to smoke and drink. Speaking of drinking, I spent all of last night completely hammered. I'm relapsing back into all these dirty habits that I kicked for awhile. Who the fuck am I?

It's the saddest moment in the history of mankind when you don't even know who you are anymore.

Time to call mom and tell her I'm ready to drop out of school. I can't be here anymore. I just can't.