I'm Down and Out.

Complete utter dissatisfaction with life. That's all I feel.

What the hell am I doing right now? I'm in college. And for what? A paycheck? Great. I've come to realize that I don't think it's money that's ever going to make me happy, which is a big realization for me to make. I'm a huge splurger when it comes to spending. But perhaps my mother was always right....money doesn't bring happiness.

The only reason I'm in school right now is to:
1. Guarantee myself a big paycheck in the future
2. Appease my parents
and 3. Put off being an adult

It's weird though. Lately...I've wanted to be an adult more than anything. I want to move out, get a job, live life. I know that everyone is telling me to stay in school because if I quit, I'll never go back, but that's something I'll need to learn on my own. I feel like I'm stuck in this fucking cage that I'm just dying to break free from. I want to get out of the house. Not live in a dorm. Not have classes. I just wanna work a job from 8 till 4. Be able to sustain my life by myself. I'm sick of UMBC. It's become more of a prison than anything. Every time I'm on this campus I grow increasingly depressed and irritable. I snap at people for no reason; it's a miracle that I still have friends. Maybe they just already know how I am and aren't surprised.

I'm constantly lonely but I'm always pushing people away. I want chaos but I want silence. I want to get fit but I want to smoke and drink. Speaking of drinking, I spent all of last night completely hammered. I'm relapsing back into all these dirty habits that I kicked for awhile. Who the fuck am I?

It's the saddest moment in the history of mankind when you don't even know who you are anymore.

Time to call mom and tell her I'm ready to drop out of school. I can't be here anymore. I just can't.