Monster.

No one believes me when I say to stay away from me in the wee hours of the morning.

Now they know.

All I want is to be happy.

I think I've achieved just plain 'happiness'. But what I really want is undying, unconditional, complete happiness. I find myself increasingly lonely as I slip away from certain people. I wish everyone knew how sorry I was for not calling, not texting, not paying attention...I've needed a lot of "me" time. Now with finals, it's even harder for me to say hello every so often. I'm truly not trying to be a jerk; I think about many of you every so often during the day. Some more than others...but nevertheless, I think about everyone, and I hope at least someone thinks about me.

I'm more than happy that the school year is over for me on Wednesday and that I'll be skateboarding and drinking next Thursday in Ocean City. My motivation is gone. I should be studying...SHOULD...but am not.

And now I have another distraction in my mind that I can't seem to shake. I wish I knew what to do and why I did stupid things, but alas, I'm not so fortunate.

Stop living in a dream world, Liz. It wouldn't happen, anyways.

Why?

I met you a little over a year ago. We exchanged numbers. Talked incessantly. Grew closer and closer. I had you within my grasp. You gave me hope. You made me feel like someone for once; like maybe, just maybe I could be happy.

And then you broke me.

I still think about you. I still wish it would have worked and I still want to see you. As much as you've hurt me, if you came back into my life, I'd never deny you. You don't deserve it but I'm a sap for love and I could never imagine pushing you away. I loved you dearly and I wanted to make you happy; more than happy, really. I just wanted to show you how love worked. What it really meant to LOVE someone.

It's 4:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I long for love and I long for companionship but I just can't seem to find it. I'm too picky. I'm too "cute." I'm too much of a romantic. Shut the hell up. I'm not changing; I'm sorry I have a heart. Maybe that's why you cut me off. You couldn't imagine being with someone with a heart; someone who could honestly do something for you. I hate you for ruining a lot of things for me. I can't stop thinking about you and haven't ever stopped thinking about you. Please...just get out of my head. I just want you to feel the anguish that I went through after chasing you for a year of my fucking life. I wasted so much time and energy on you-and for what? Absolutely nothing. Fuck you for making me look like a fool. Fuck you. Fuck off and die you piece of trash. You're not worth the time of day.

I love you.

Sitting in The Commons.

Eating a PB&J and some baked lays chips. Sipping on water. I'm so terribly groggy and tired today. Now I don't even feel like blogging. Now I'm just typing words for the sake of typing words. The gym was awful this morning...I couldn't get myself moving. Mile and a half in and I just crashed. Usually I can keep trucking for awhile, but not this morning. It's like some sort of switch in my mind didn't flick on when I woke up. I dunno. It feels like it's going to be a great day, just a slow one. I'm looking forward to this evening...new Left 4 Dead campaigns! Good times, good times. Lots of zombie action tonight. Should prove interesting.

I have an unhealthy obsession with killing things. The thought of it is exhilarating. Luckily, video games let me experience this without the repercussions. Can't exactly go around shooting people in real life...that would quickly ruin my college career, haha. But killing virtual zombies was never a crime.

Fuck. So tired. I can hardly keep myself awake right now. Sucks, man. Sucks.

New underwear should be in the mail very soon. I'm excited.

I need a beer.

I need:

• sex
• beer
• A's in my classes
• more money
• August to get here faster
• cramps to go away
• my friends
  

Excitement.

The end of the year approaches. The end of the week approaches.

If only the school year ended this weekend...then I'd really be happy. Most people need more time to bring their grades up. I need less time to ensure that I don't screw up my possible A's. I'm angry that I may possibly be making straight Bs this semester but I can't blame anyone for that except myself. I slacked a little and messed some things up. But, it's still not over. I have a calc exam, a psych exam, a chem exam, and three finals that could either make or break me. A's on the finals would guarantee me A's in the classes. However, just a B, which many people would consider absolutely fine, could easily take me from 90 to 89. That cannot happen. CANNOT.

I wish I wasn't so obsessive compulsive over my grades. Breathe, Liz, breathe.

I hope I don't do anything inappropriate this weekend. Ah. Fuck, who am I kidding?





I know I will.
=)

Ramble ramble RAMBLE!

I went to calculus this morning hoping I'd learn something.

I hoped too much. I sat there and wrote in my personal journal for 45 minutes. I wrote a much needed vent, however. So it wasn't a complete waste of time. I really wish I could put my journal entries online...but I, unfortunately, cannot. What they contain is vulgar, violent, angry, degrading, unrestrained rambles. I have a strong feeling you wouldn't be seeing too much of me if they were to be found. Yes.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. Maddie said I could tag along with her and her group of friends again. That's a swell group of people there. Then on Saturday we're off to see the apartment and possibly sign the lease. An apartment...it just blows my mind to think about it.

Less blogging, more reading psychology, Liz!