Over a month.

It seems like it's been a decade since I last put anything up on here. To be honest, I haven't had much motivation to do anything as of late. I roll out of bed, I go to class, I take a nap, I go to work, I study, I smoke some things, I go to bed. Wake up, repeat. Nothing else is ever different. Nothing ever changes. Nothing ever happens. It's as if I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of discontent. It's like I'm insatiable; I'm supported by loving (though not accepting) parents. They pay for everything: school, my apartment, my gas, insurance, food, clothes...it's terrible, really. I just took a weekend trip to New York with the best friends in the whole world. I have a job; not the best paying job but shit, I've got a job at least. I've got more clothes than I can count. I have a car. But I still feel like something is off, or missing, perhaps.

I'll go through periods of contentedness, then I go through spells of emptiness. I thought that maybe I missed companionship, but when I have it I enjoy mucking it up and throwing it away as fast as I possibly can. I'm afraid of being with someone for too long...it's quite a scary thought to me. But then I yearn for someone to be there. What exactly do I want??

I don't even know what I want to do with my life right now. I'm in college for the sheer fact that it's been constantly pounded into my head that without a college degree, I'll get absolutely nowhere in life. Though it's probably the truth, I wish I could have figured these things out on my own. It's as if I've been letting someone else subconsciously control the reigns to my destiny, and I'm just now noticing.

I need to make a large amount of changes in my lifestyle, and fast.

Before it's too late.

Shame.

Life is currently ridiculously bland. The constant parties and late nights are slowly becoming less and less entertaining. I'm tired of this lifeless living, if that's even something that exists. I'm just typing out of my ass, right now. I want a cigarette so badly...I've been quit for two weeks now. I'm tempted to go out and buy a pack and just sneak them around 3am every night when I go on my walk.

No. No no no no, Liz. You're above this. This...addiction. I hate the word addiction, but I know that I have so many of them. Cigarettes. Sex. Power. Money. All of the vices anyone could ever have, I currently possess. I want everything, need everything, and if I don't get everything, I get pissed. I don't know why this is the case; perhaps I was spoiled growing up. No, that's not true. My parents put me in my place. I'm pretty sure I'm just a greedy little bastard for no apparent reason. It's a shame, too, because I could probably such a better person if I just have this mindset of infinite power and fame.

I need that cigarette now. As soon as I'm done this movie, my laundry, and organic chemistry chapter 6...I'm drivin' to 40.

No sleep tonight.

My roommate's boyfriend is over, which equals profuse amounts of kissing in the bed below me. Normally doesn't bother me, but I know something more is happening. So, in order to avoid the obvious awkwardness, I went outside, smoked a cigarette, and have decided that sleeping on the couch would be best this evening. Sucks that now it's 4am, and I have yet to get any sleep.

My life is beginning to piece itself back into place, which is a nice change of pace considering how much of a struggle it has been to focus. There's so many things I don't miss about my freshman year, but one thing I would kill to have back is my drive. My desire. My want to surpass all and achieve the impossible. I feel like I'm settling for less than what I'm worth. Not in relationships or anything, just in my academics. French is kicking my ass, though truthfully I expected that; foreign languages and I never got along very well. Orgo isn't too terrible, really. I think I got about a 75 on the first exam, though we'll find out a solid number tomorrow if Gierasch pulled through with grading. We shall see.

And I actually enjoy orgo lab. The experiments are pretty interesting, and I've got awesome hood partners. Oh and playing with chemicals has always been a hobby of mine...plenty of places online to get lovely compounds that when mixed together with a fuse go "BOOM!"

Guess I should try and sleep now...this couch is pretty fucking comfortable.

Hope all of you (the few, that is) that read this are faring well in life. Take care.

Siiiigh...

Guess I should apologize for my last entry.

After some investigation and deliberation, I decided to break it off with Amanda. I was in denial the entire time about the "healthy" aspect of the relationship...it was very unhealthy in many aspects, actually. It took so much energy out of me to even attempt to trust her. Distance was also a large factor in things; I think it seemed so nice at first because we saw each other so much. But when we weren't together, it was like I was making myself still like her. I probably should have ended it much sooner than I did, but I really did enjoy certain aspects of the whole ordeal.

Whether or not she cheated...well, I can't know for sure. She never had the testicular fortitude to come forward and tell me the truth; in fact, she stopped talking to me after I called it quits. But such is life. Considering she won't fess up, I can pretty much confirm that yes, she did cheat. Sure, it hurts, but I'm moving on. It was nice while it lasted. We had some good times, and why regret that?

My only regrets are spending money taking her out to eat (I doubt she really even appreciated the gesture), giving her money to get alcohol (for herself, mind you, and I'm the one without a job...makes sense...?), and giving her my trust. I make people work for that, and I guess I just felt secure about things, so I decided, "hell, what could go wrong?"

Well, we've discovered a valuable lesson here. Shit can happen. You can get your feelings stomped on. BUT...at least something was learned.

For now, I think I'm going to avoid women and relationships. It's best for me to just keep truckin' through college, ya know? Sure, I've caught myself thinking about her, but in due time, that will pass.

I just wish she would have been honest. I appreciate the truth a whole fuckin' lot more than a lie. I've been lied to a few too many times in the past. So, Amanda Bradley, know this: you'll get yours. That is all.

Longest. Day. Ever.

I woke up and could feel my eye lids clinging shut for dear life. My body was not in the mood to wake up and was making it very clear to me. I thought a shower would help; nope, just hurt myself. I ended up getting soap in my eye and cutting my leg shaving. Rough morning. After eating some cereal I thought, "okay, everything's gonna get better. It is, I know it."

I took my pills and headed out the door. Parking was a bitch as usual, and I ended up at lot 22, the parking lot that might as well not even be on campus because of how far away it is. I was just thankful it wasn't super hot today. Every class was tediously painful; I was fighting as hard as I could just to keep my eyes open. My pen kept sliding down my notebook, leaving trails of ink all over my notes. Sentences weren't really sentences, formulas were all wrong...classes were simply terrible.

Then I arrived home from class, threw on some shorts and napped. Errr...well, we could just say slept because I was out for 4 hours. Luckily, I'm now rested, caught up on classes, and hanging out with my lovely friends.

But truthfully...today was complete shit.

I realize that...

I've been stressing so much over school that it's destroying me. I literally packed up and left the apartment and fled home in anguish. Yeah, rather than stick around and deal with the chaos, I simply ran away. I pussied out, so sad, right? I even let it start to ruin the perfectly good relationship I'm in. Amanda is all I could ever ask for and more; why I'd walk away from that, I'll never know. I do know that it's time for me to step up to the plate and deal with shit. No, I'm not ready for another stressful year at UMBC, but there's no stopping it; my life will continue to propel forward whether I want it to or not. I gotta suck it up and stop bitching. I can't let a little (or a lot, for that matter) stress wreck my stability. Amanda is quite frankly one of the first truly stable, normal relationships I've had in my life. She's become someone who I can lean on while knowing that she won't let me fall. But my overanalyzing mind made me think I wanted to leave her. I figured if I can't deal with school, there's no way I can manage to keep her happy as well.

I can't walk away now, though. I've done this too many times...I fear commitment. I'm afraid of it almost as much as I'm afraid of organic chemistry. I'm deathly afraid of abandonment. But why should I throw away the best relationship I've ever had just because of a little fear? I shouldn't, and I'm so glad I figured that out before I made the mistake of saying goodbye. Who knows how long this is going to last? I sure as fuck don't. But for now, I'm just going to enjoy the companionship I have.

I had too much coffee today.

What is going on?

Well, first and foremost, I have a girlfriend, and she's one amazing human being. I couldn't be happier with anyone else, and I'm lucky. Very lucky.

Though we had some differences last night (mainly caused by alcohol, mind you), I still can't be angry at her. Sure, I was pissed when things happened, but I was drunk. She was drunk. Things were being said and actions were being committed that wouldn't happen under normal circumstances and I forgive her for that, as I believe she's forgiven me.

I feel like this girl is worth fighting for.

The apartment is still lovely, though there's a few ants in the bathroom...might want to watch that. Our kitten, Xerxes, is getting much bigger, but he's still an obnoxious little runt. I love him but...there's a little hate in there, too.

No more vodka for me. Too many drunken nights in the last week. Four out of seven days...ridiculous.