It seems like it's been a decade since I last put anything up on here. To be honest, I haven't had much motivation to do anything as of late. I roll out of bed, I go to class, I take a nap, I go to work, I study, I smoke some things, I go to bed. Wake up, repeat. Nothing else is ever different. Nothing ever changes. Nothing ever happens. It's as if I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of discontent. It's like I'm insatiable; I'm supported by loving (though not accepting) parents. They pay for everything: school, my apartment, my gas, insurance, food, clothes...it's terrible, really. I just took a weekend trip to New York with the best friends in the whole world. I have a job; not the best paying job but shit, I've got a job at least. I've got more clothes than I can count. I have a car. But I still feel like something is off, or missing, perhaps.
I'll go through periods of contentedness, then I go through spells of emptiness. I thought that maybe I missed companionship, but when I have it I enjoy mucking it up and throwing it away as fast as I possibly can. I'm afraid of being with someone for too long...it's quite a scary thought to me. But then I yearn for someone to be there. What exactly do I want??
I don't even know what I want to do with my life right now. I'm in college for the sheer fact that it's been constantly pounded into my head that without a college degree, I'll get absolutely nowhere in life. Though it's probably the truth, I wish I could have figured these things out on my own. It's as if I've been letting someone else subconsciously control the reigns to my destiny, and I'm just now noticing.
I need to make a large amount of changes in my lifestyle, and fast.
Life is currently ridiculously bland. The constant parties and late nights are slowly becoming less and less entertaining. I'm tired of this lifeless living, if that's even something that exists. I'm just typing out of my ass, right now. I want a cigarette so badly...I've been quit for two weeks now. I'm tempted to go out and buy a pack and just sneak them around 3am every night when I go on my walk.
No. No no no no, Liz. You're above this. This...addiction. I hate the word addiction, but I know that I have so many of them. Cigarettes. Sex. Power. Money. All of the vices anyone could ever have, I currently possess. I want everything, need everything, and if I don't get everything, I get pissed. I don't know why this is the case; perhaps I was spoiled growing up. No, that's not true. My parents put me in my place. I'm pretty sure I'm just a greedy little bastard for no apparent reason. It's a shame, too, because I could probably such a better person if I just have this mindset of infinite power and fame.
I need that cigarette now. As soon as I'm done this movie, my laundry, and organic chemistry chapter 6...I'm drivin' to 40.
My roommate's boyfriend is over, which equals profuse amounts of kissing in the bed below me. Normally doesn't bother me, but I know something more is happening. So, in order to avoid the obvious awkwardness, I went outside, smoked a cigarette, and have decided that sleeping on the couch would be best this evening. Sucks that now it's 4am, and I have yet to get any sleep.
My life is beginning to piece itself back into place, which is a nice change of pace considering how much of a struggle it has been to focus. There's so many things I don't miss about my freshman year, but one thing I would kill to have back is my drive. My desire. My want to surpass all and achieve the impossible. I feel like I'm settling for less than what I'm worth. Not in relationships or anything, just in my academics. French is kicking my ass, though truthfully I expected that; foreign languages and I never got along very well. Orgo isn't too terrible, really. I think I got about a 75 on the first exam, though we'll find out a solid number tomorrow if Gierasch pulled through with grading. We shall see.
And I actually enjoy orgo lab. The experiments are pretty interesting, and I've got awesome hood partners. Oh and playing with chemicals has always been a hobby of mine...plenty of places online to get lovely compounds that when mixed together with a fuse go "BOOM!"
Guess I should try and sleep now...this couch is pretty fucking comfortable.
Hope all of you (the few, that is) that read this are faring well in life. Take care.
After some investigation and deliberation, I decided to break it off with Amanda. I was in denial the entire time about the "healthy" aspect of the relationship...it was very unhealthy in many aspects, actually. It took so much energy out of me to even attempt to trust her. Distance was also a large factor in things; I think it seemed so nice at first because we saw each other so much. But when we weren't together, it was like I was making myself still like her. I probably should have ended it much sooner than I did, but I really did enjoy certain aspects of the whole ordeal.
Whether or not she cheated...well, I can't know for sure. She never had the testicular fortitude to come forward and tell me the truth; in fact, she stopped talking to me after I called it quits. But such is life. Considering she won't fess up, I can pretty much confirm that yes, she did cheat. Sure, it hurts, but I'm moving on. It was nice while it lasted. We had some good times, and why regret that?
My only regrets are spending money taking her out to eat (I doubt she really even appreciated the gesture), giving her money to get alcohol (for herself, mind you, and I'm the one without a job...makes sense...?), and giving her my trust. I make people work for that, and I guess I just felt secure about things, so I decided, "hell, what could go wrong?"
Well, we've discovered a valuable lesson here. Shit can happen. You can get your feelings stomped on. BUT...at least something was learned.
For now, I think I'm going to avoid women and relationships. It's best for me to just keep truckin' through college, ya know? Sure, I've caught myself thinking about her, but in due time, that will pass.
I just wish she would have been honest. I appreciate the truth a whole fuckin' lot more than a lie. I've been lied to a few too many times in the past. So, Amanda Bradley, know this: you'll get yours. That is all.
I woke up and could feel my eye lids clinging shut for dear life. My body was not in the mood to wake up and was making it very clear to me. I thought a shower would help; nope, just hurt myself. I ended up getting soap in my eye and cutting my leg shaving. Rough morning. After eating some cereal I thought, "okay, everything's gonna get better. It is, I know it."
I took my pills and headed out the door. Parking was a bitch as usual, and I ended up at lot 22, the parking lot that might as well not even be on campus because of how far away it is. I was just thankful it wasn't super hot today. Every class was tediously painful; I was fighting as hard as I could just to keep my eyes open. My pen kept sliding down my notebook, leaving trails of ink all over my notes. Sentences weren't really sentences, formulas were all wrong...classes were simply terrible.
Then I arrived home from class, threw on some shorts and napped. Errr...well, we could just say slept because I was out for 4 hours. Luckily, I'm now rested, caught up on classes, and hanging out with my lovely friends.
I've been stressing so much over school that it's destroying me. I literally packed up and left the apartment and fled home in anguish. Yeah, rather than stick around and deal with the chaos, I simply ran away. I pussied out, so sad, right? I even let it start to ruin the perfectly good relationship I'm in. Amanda is all I could ever ask for and more; why I'd walk away from that, I'll never know. I do know that it's time for me to step up to the plate and deal with shit. No, I'm not ready for another stressful year at UMBC, but there's no stopping it; my life will continue to propel forward whether I want it to or not. I gotta suck it up and stop bitching. I can't let a little (or a lot, for that matter) stress wreck my stability. Amanda is quite frankly one of the first truly stable, normal relationships I've had in my life. She's become someone who I can lean on while knowing that she won't let me fall. But my overanalyzing mind made me think I wanted to leave her. I figured if I can't deal with school, there's no way I can manage to keep her happy as well.
I can't walk away now, though. I've done this too many times...I fear commitment. I'm afraid of it almost as much as I'm afraid of organic chemistry. I'm deathly afraid of abandonment. But why should I throw away the best relationship I've ever had just because of a little fear? I shouldn't, and I'm so glad I figured that out before I made the mistake of saying goodbye. Who knows how long this is going to last? I sure as fuck don't. But for now, I'm just going to enjoy the companionship I have.
Well, first and foremost, I have a girlfriend, and she's one amazing human being. I couldn't be happier with anyone else, and I'm lucky. Very lucky.
Though we had some differences last night (mainly caused by alcohol, mind you), I still can't be angry at her. Sure, I was pissed when things happened, but I was drunk. She was drunk. Things were being said and actions were being committed that wouldn't happen under normal circumstances and I forgive her for that, as I believe she's forgiven me.
I feel like this girl is worth fighting for.
The apartment is still lovely, though there's a few ants in the bathroom...might want to watch that. Our kitten, Xerxes, is getting much bigger, but he's still an obnoxious little runt. I love him but...there's a little hate in there, too.
No more vodka for me. Too many drunken nights in the last week. Four out of seven days...ridiculous.
Everyone knows me...the usual kid-hating teenager. I (under typical circumstance) hate children. Babies. Anything that cries. But some weird mother-like personality has been coming out of me. I see babies and think they're cute now. I find myself wondering what having a kid would be like. What the hell is going on???!
I also normally hate the thought of dating. I'm not good with commitment. I'm not very skilled in the relationship department, so I normally stick to friends. But all I can think about is being with one girl and truly, seriously making her happy. Man, there must be something in the water.
Or, I'm watching too many movies like Moulin Rouge. That could be it.
I can't say it's due to lack of time, though. Dear God, I've got more time on my hands than I know what to do with. So, I play Call of Duty and eat. Haha, what a productive summer! I've made a decent amount of cash at work though, so I'm not completely useless, I promise you that.
I went on a lovely trip to the DC Zoo yesterday, and my only complaint is the fact that they built it strategically on a hill. Yes, that only makes sense. When you've finished hiking all over creation to see lions and tigers, you can walk up that same hill you came down and sweat your balls off. Oh, and I really hate the metro parking at Huntington. SmarTrip passes are the worst idea ever. No, I take that back. They're only the worst idea ever if you ONLY accept them as payment. What kind of a parking garage doesn't take credit cards OR cash? Yes, a pointless one.
I've been watching Lady Gaga videos lately (I can't lie; I'm a Lady Gaga fanatic) and it's honestly very depressing how much she's acting in front of the cameras. I understand that her philosophy is that life is art and music is art and art is sex etc, but does she really have to put on such a front for interviews? This is her before she was big; no fake accent, less promiscuous talk, no outrageous outfit...as contradictory as it may seem, it's an enjoyable fresh breath of air to see her NOT be a crazy, eccentric bitch. She claims that it's "who she is" but ask yourself...is it?
And then we have her now. Watch this video from her interview with Jonathan Ross. Telling from the first video, that strange accent is quite fake. Still, I can't help but adore her music. I live for music with a great beat, a strong hook, and a good melody. Her songs normally have all three.
Why can't I find a girl who lives for those three things: music, art, and sex? Someone like that needs to stumble my way...
Oh and another comment, I really liked her more with brunette hair, but that's just my opinion. I tend to find brunettes much more appealing, anyways.
I don't think anyone ever reads my blog, so I'm not sure why I update it. Oh well, typing is a good time burner while you wait for your dad to take you to dinner. I AM HUNGRY!
My life has been all about xbox lately. Nothing else. Pure, video gaming pleasure. Prototype. Call of Duty. Assassin's Creed. Left 4 Dead. I've been sick of people lately...everyone I know has become manipulative. Shady. Backstabbing. I want absolutely nothing to do with characters like that. Leave me be; I'm happy.
Now if only my job would give me that raise I've been fighting like hell for. Then we'd really have something going.
I think I've achieved just plain 'happiness'. But what I really want is undying, unconditional, complete happiness. I find myself increasingly lonely as I slip away from certain people. I wish everyone knew how sorry I was for not calling, not texting, not paying attention...I've needed a lot of "me" time. Now with finals, it's even harder for me to say hello every so often. I'm truly not trying to be a jerk; I think about many of you every so often during the day. Some more than others...but nevertheless, I think about everyone, and I hope at least someone thinks about me.
I'm more than happy that the school year is over for me on Wednesday and that I'll be skateboarding and drinking next Thursday in Ocean City. My motivation is gone. I should be studying...SHOULD...but am not.
And now I have another distraction in my mind that I can't seem to shake. I wish I knew what to do and why I did stupid things, but alas, I'm not so fortunate.
Stop living in a dream world, Liz. It wouldn't happen, anyways.
I met you a little over a year ago. We exchanged numbers. Talked incessantly. Grew closer and closer. I had you within my grasp. You gave me hope. You made me feel like someone for once; like maybe, just maybe I could be happy.
And then you broke me.
I still think about you. I still wish it would have worked and I still want to see you. As much as you've hurt me, if you came back into my life, I'd never deny you. You don't deserve it but I'm a sap for love and I could never imagine pushing you away. I loved you dearly and I wanted to make you happy; more than happy, really. I just wanted to show you how love worked. What it really meant to LOVE someone.
It's 4:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I long for love and I long for companionship but I just can't seem to find it. I'm too picky. I'm too "cute." I'm too much of a romantic. Shut the hell up. I'm not changing; I'm sorry I have a heart. Maybe that's why you cut me off. You couldn't imagine being with someone with a heart; someone who could honestly do something for you. I hate you for ruining a lot of things for me. I can't stop thinking about you and haven't ever stopped thinking about you. Please...just get out of my head. I just want you to feel the anguish that I went through after chasing you for a year of my fucking life. I wasted so much time and energy on you-and for what? Absolutely nothing. Fuck you for making me look like a fool. Fuck you. Fuck off and die you piece of trash. You're not worth the time of day.
Eating a PB&J and some baked lays chips. Sipping on water. I'm so terribly groggy and tired today. Now I don't even feel like blogging. Now I'm just typing words for the sake of typing words. The gym was awful this morning...I couldn't get myself moving. Mile and a half in and I just crashed. Usually I can keep trucking for awhile, but not this morning. It's like some sort of switch in my mind didn't flick on when I woke up. I dunno. It feels like it's going to be a great day, just a slow one. I'm looking forward to this evening...new Left 4 Dead campaigns! Good times, good times. Lots of zombie action tonight. Should prove interesting.
I have an unhealthy obsession with killing things. The thought of it is exhilarating. Luckily, video games let me experience this without the repercussions. Can't exactly go around shooting people in real life...that would quickly ruin my college career, haha. But killing virtual zombies was never a crime.
Fuck. So tired. I can hardly keep myself awake right now. Sucks, man. Sucks.
New underwear should be in the mail very soon. I'm excited.
The end of the year approaches. The end of the week approaches.
If only the school year ended this weekend...then I'd really be happy. Most people need more time to bring their grades up. I need less time to ensure that I don't screw up my possible A's. I'm angry that I may possibly be making straight Bs this semester but I can't blame anyone for that except myself. I slacked a little and messed some things up. But, it's still not over. I have a calc exam, a psych exam, a chem exam, and three finals that could either make or break me. A's on the finals would guarantee me A's in the classes. However, just a B, which many people would consider absolutely fine, could easily take me from 90 to 89. That cannot happen. CANNOT.
I wish I wasn't so obsessive compulsive over my grades. Breathe, Liz, breathe.
I hope I don't do anything inappropriate this weekend. Ah. Fuck, who am I kidding?
I went to calculus this morning hoping I'd learn something.
I hoped too much. I sat there and wrote in my personal journal for 45 minutes. I wrote a much needed vent, however. So it wasn't a complete waste of time. I really wish I could put my journal entries online...but I, unfortunately, cannot. What they contain is vulgar, violent, angry, degrading, unrestrained rambles. I have a strong feeling you wouldn't be seeing too much of me if they were to be found. Yes.
I'm looking forward to this weekend. Maddie said I could tag along with her and her group of friends again. That's a swell group of people there. Then on Saturday we're off to see the apartment and possibly sign the lease. An apartment...it just blows my mind to think about it.
I'm 19 years old, a chemistry major at UMBC with a goal of working in forensics later in life. I'm one of those nerds that studies a good bit and when that's not happening, I'm destroying things with my xbox 360. I live a good life, which is something I've recently been able to seriously realize.
